UK Yankee News

contributed by Michael Harling (website)

A while ago, I wrote an article highlighting the differences in the UK, so I thought it only fair to give the US equal time.


I must confess that most of my writings favor the UK. Having arrived in a shiny, new country, it’s easy to spot all the things that are better than what you left behind and, as the UK was sort of like a foster child, it was prudent to behave as if I loved it best. But now that our relationship has been firmly established, I can safely point out that, in addition to being seen by many as a big, mean ogre run by war-mongering lunatics, the US has many fine qualities.

So here is a list of some of the little things I no longer see, hear or experience during my daily routine due to my emigration from America, and which, if I still had them, would make my life here just a little bit better:

- Boston Market: God’s perfect food.
- Chipmunks: Smaller, cuter and less obnoxious than the ubiquitous grey squirrel.
- Thunderstorms: No, I mean real thunderstorms, with torrential rain, hail the size of marbles and cracks of lightening so close by you can smell the ozone.
- Rueben sandwiches: Granted, I had to go to NYC for a good one, but since no one has even heard of them here, I still have to go to NYC to get one.
- Monarch Butterflies: No milkweed equals no monarch caterpillars equals an island bereft of these beautiful creatures.
- Manned Space Flight: Where do all your astronauts live? Oh, sorry, I forgot; you don’t have any. (I had to be careful with the wording here because there actually is a British Space Agency, but it is EU-based, its budget is less than 3% of NASA's and they don't send up people.)
- Cheap Cigars: £12 ($24) for a Vegas Robaina! I want to smoke it, not frame it.
- Humming Birds: The only bird that can hover and fly backwards and the British don’t have any.
- All-You-Can-Eat Chinese Buffet: Sure, there’s a Chinese Take-Away on every corner (right next to the Kebab shop) but it doesn’t compare to sitting down to a plate piled high with a dozen or so personally selected Chinese/American delicacies and then going back for more.
- The Weather Channel: It remains a mystery to me how a nation so obsessed with weather has failed to provide a 24-hour weather channel.
- Pencil Sharpeners: Every time I mention this, I am assured by those around me that the United Kingdom is teeming with all manner of pencil sharpeners, but I have yet to see one; maybe the badgers have them all. I recently asked a co-worker if we had any pencil sharpeners in the office and he replied, “No; when a pencil gets dull I just thrown it away.” I’m still not sure if he was joking.
- The Big Gulp: Like the revolver in your night stand, you know you’re never likely to need it, but it’s a comfort knowing it’s there if you do.
- My Balcony: In the US, my balcony comfortably held a small storage unit, my bicycle, a barbecue, a round picnic table with four chairs and a chaise longue; in the UK it holds a folding chair.
- Front Porches: Granted, the place I lived in when I left the States did not have a porch, but I had lived in places that had them and hoped to again. The front porch is an American Icon, and there is nothing quite like a porch for lounging on during hot afternoons in the company of good friends and a case of ice cold beer.
- Koozies: Sort of a foam rubber condom for a beer bottle to keep your beer cold. They aren't needed in the UK but I was never without one in the States.
- Parking: In the US, when I drove somewhere, anywhere, there was always a place to put my car once I arrived. Mostly for free.
- A Decent Bagel: Reputedly, there are (or were) good bagels in south London, but that has yet to be proven. Good bagels in the US used to be limited to NYC but thanks to the seasonal migration of city-dwellers to the Albany area, NYC bagels eventually became commonplace in Upstate NY. The ones they sell in Waitrose are crap.
- Doorknobs: They have latches and handles here, but no doorknobs. No one knows why.
- 110 Current: The plugs they have on the electric wires coming out of your coffee pot, laptop computer, table lamp or what-have-you look like the ones we have in the US for plugging in our electric stoves. Give me a compact, easy to store plug any day.

We have now achieved balance, and both my adopted country and the land of my birth have come away looking fairly attractive. And it’s nice to discover that all I really need to be happy is a koozie, a Reuben sandwich and a reasonably-priced cigar.

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Mike Harling is American author living in the south of England. His book, Postcards from Across the Pond--dispatches from an accidental expat, is a hilarious account of British life as seen through the eyes of a bewildered American. You can keep up with Mike at his blog, Postcards from Across the Pond.

contributed by Michael Harling (website)

Considering the number of times people ask me, "What do you find different about living in England?" you'd think I might have formulated some sort of intelligent answer by now, a mini-comedy routine, perhaps, that I could launch into anytime the question arose. But in fact, I am always taken by surprise, and left fumbling for an answer that isn't screamingly obvious, such as driving on the wrong side of the road, better weather or listening to Fiona Bruce read the evening news instead of Brian Williams.

I used to respond to that question with, "Everything," which is perhaps the most accurate answer, but when pressed for details I always came up short. The problem is, the big differences—like the accents and the remarkable and welcomed absence of billboards—blend into the scenery after a time, and the little things—such as diminutive teaspoons, the huge plugs on electric appliances and Costa Coffee franchises—become lost amid the minutiae of everyday life.

To counter this, I thought I'd list some of the little things that I see, hear or experience during my daily routine that would not be there if I still lived in America:

- Thatched cottages: yes, they are as quaint as you think
- Canal boats: there are more canals in Birmingham than in Amsterdam (yeah, me too)
- Radio theatre and game shows on BBC radio: after five years, I still have not gotten the hang of British radio, I only listen to it when my wife turns it on
- The Daily Mail: as mentioned in the Beatles' song, "Paperback Writer"
- Actually being in Banbury Cross: you know, that place you ride the Cock horse to
- Likewise, Drury lane: though sad to say, the muffin man has moved on
- Hedgerows: right up there with thatched cottages in terms of traditional, English countryside quaintness
- Electric kettles: an oddity in America, a basic necessity here
- Holly bushes: I never saw one in the States, but here they grow like weeds
- Celsius: just try to get an intelligible temperature reading, or explain to someone what 75 degrees Fahrenheit means
- Round tea bags with no strings: the Brits are pros when it comes to tea, strings are for wimps
- Wellington Boots: what would you do without your wellies?
- Pedestrian paths: the first thing about Britain that I fell in love with, they have special places for pedestrians to walk where cars can't go
- Right of way: pedestrian paths that run through other people's back yards and they can't do a thing about it
- Soccer balls: they're everywhere, and even young girls can manoeuvre them around better than I ever could
- Gum on the sidewalks, roads, pedestrian areas, bus station floors . . .: the young people here chew gum on an Olympic level, and have never been told what a trash can is for.
- Bureau de Change: there's one on every corner here; I’ve never seen one in the US, but then, why would you need one?
- The Radio Times: in order to find out what's showing on the telly, you have to look in The Radio Times—don't ask me, it's a British thing.
- Train Spotters: They’re the guys standing at the end of the train platforms with a notebook, camera, thermos of tea and a marked lack of social skills

So there you have it; England at a glance. I still won’t be able to list any next time someone asks me, but at least I’ll be able to point them toward this article.

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Mike Harling is American author living in the south of England. His book, Postcards from Across the Pond--dispatches from an accidental expat, is a hilarious account of British life as seen through the eyes of a bewildered American. You can keep up with Mike at his blog, Postcards from Across the Pond.